December 4, 2008 Horse Play

Staring yet again into the financial abyss we recall that Wicked Weasel rose from the ashes of the 1990’s recession we were told we had to have. And as governments continue to dazzle us with their economic brilliance it is indeed worrying where Australian business is headed.

Wicked Weasel was never planned to be the size it is today. In fact the personal and financial damage suffered in the last recession was so great I initially decided to run my new bikini company as a small cash business with minimal connection to banks, accountants and government. A stash under the bed generated by selling a couple of bikinis a day would be enough to keep body and soul together. At least that was the plan.

It turned out that the product was too good and demand for Wicked Weasel bikinis ensured the small cash business idea lasted the whole of ten minutes. And so even with the pending introduction of the dreaded GST (Goods and Services Tax), which was and remains an expensive administrative shackle furthering the role of business as tax collector, I decided once again to chain myself to the wheel in the service of the state.

Small business in Australia generates around 25% of the country’s GDP, employs over 40% of the workforce and in the process makes significant albeit involuntary contributions to the ATO (Australian Tax Office). The Australian definition of a small business is one which employs up to 20 staff, suggesting there are a lot of fat old bastards like me chained to wheels around this wide brown land of opportunity footing the bill for an ever increasing government who produce nothing yet have an expert understanding on how we should conduct our affairs.

In harness racing a horse’s legs are hobbled with leather straps so it can’t gallop. In the sport of business, government also hobbles the horse, but with a type of legal tape, historically red but nowdays often a sort of pink & green. This ensures it remains difficult for the horse to move forward at its full capacity. The horse is then flogged on behalf of the ATO and various other government acronyms in order to raise as much money as possible for people in the audience who don’t own horses or understand how they work, but wholeheartedly support the use of tape. Any type of win usually results in the requirement to lodge part of future expected prize money before the start of the race, plus the further application of tape. The process continues until the horse moves to a tropical island where life is easier or in its effort to fund a dignified retirement, breaks a leg and is put down.

Having witnessed recent racing events and the collapse of several horses, the media championed a call for justice. The government, always ready to act in the best interests of the community, villified the horses for running in the designated track and breaking down in the middle of an event and vowed action to prevent this from happening again. The Future Accident Horse Tribunal (FAHT) was established to protect consumers from the trauma of a horse being put down mid event and to provide financial compensation for any losses that may result, including future earnings. The tribunal’s running costs are met through a Safe Horses Tax (SHT) of 10% on all racing transactions.

Thankfully we have been saved yet again by Australian government. In coming months we can look forward to a collective world government plan designed to save us from extremely nasty international horses.

Peter G.

(Technically Wicked Weasel is now a medium business)