June 4, 2009 Nation Building

Over the past few weeks I have been hiding out in a van park in the suburbs of Perth not doing much other than hanging around the local Bunnings hardware and shopping mall trying to find more stuff to cram into the van. I busted the viewfinder on my travel camera so haven’t taken any interesting travel shots lately but had the pleasure of shooting delightful WW Mindy down at Cottesloe beach on a beautiful warm, sunny and calm day in amongst the current mixed bag of changeable and generally unbeachy late Autumn weather.

With plenty of time on my hands I have been paying close attention to political matters in Canberra. Being so impressed with the standard of parliamentary debate and the general level of economic understanding, not to mention the current positive economic results, I have decided to apply similar economic strategies to our humble little business.

As the prime minister of Wicked Weasel I continue to enjoy photo opportunities in far away places but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn my thoughts to the many shortcomings of capitalism and the obvious need for some kind of intervention – any intervention so long as we don’t have to deal with the vagaries of the market. And so from the comfort of my mobile office (now with outdoor BBQ) I have been working in conjunction with my team back at WWHQ to implement a series of reforms and stimulus packages that will reduce the impact of the greatest financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Just because we are not yet seeing negative financials doesn’t mean there’s not a whole lot of hobgoblins out there that can harm us. The question I ask myself is “Should we just sit on our hands and let the market sort it out or should we be proactive and take positive steps to counter possible events that might happen at some time in the future?” I believe not to act would be irresponsible and so we are making the tough decisions now for the future of the Wicked Weasel Working Family.

Following the success of the previous stimulus package, where we issued gift vouchers to stimulate customers and boost our sales, we will embark on a further series of financial stimulus, infrastructure, welfare and training programmes that will further support jobs and boost our internal economy. This may mean we have to go into temporary overdraft but that is the price we must pay now to secure our future. We have to look realistically at the substantial reduction in private investment and if that flows through to our business the price will be paid by dozens of people who will be unemployed. That’s why we have to move swiftly to put in place an increase in internal demand to compensate for the reduction in demand from the rest of the world.

The programme I am announcing today will create up to 27 new jobs over 4 years. Average take home pay will increase by 3.42% over the next 1,344 hours until 1st July and by whatever Julia Gillard’s expert tribunal decides after that. Television commercials have confirmed that businesses are owned primarily by self centred fat rich bastards who can afford to pay whatever wages are considered fair by government. Our task is to show that not only can we increase the number of jobs and set higher levels of pay for the vast majority of disadvantaged workers, but that I am losing weight.

Funding for staff welfare programme TISATAAFL (There Is Such A Thing As A Free Lunch) at Wicked Weasel Cafe will be increased by 33% or $146,000 over three years. Funds will be directed toward kitchen infrastructure, provison of a part time cook and staff education. Training will include skills such as taking your knife to the sink and rinsing after use, rubbish bin accuracy and advanced refrigerator biology.

Commencing 8th June, each staff member will receive a share in the $20,000 Inventory Reset Assistance Programme (IRAP) allowing staff to embark on a company funded shopping bailout. This initiative will assist the company to clear existing inventory and make way for new lines. WW Treasury will print an unspecified amount of money in order to stimulate demand where the market has failed. Surplus money, which will naturally be of diminished utility and value at the end of the printing programme, will be recycled by the staff amenities department.

Whilst results for the last quarter were better than expected, we are not out of the woods yet. There’s still a rocky road ahead but it shows what can be achieved when we all work together. Along with our strong management team I’ve had the responsibility of running the business and the very big responsibility of putting in place a set of policies to deal with it. There have been some big calls: the first stimulus package was a big call, this second stimulus package is a big call. We take our calls seriously when using economic stimulus on the Wicked Weasel Working Family.

Peter G

While travelling I can be contacted by email

Update:

For those not familiar with current Australian political affairs, the above commentary is a satire on our government. At Wicked Weasel we are indeed implementing the programmes mentioned but we have announced them in a way such as to point fun at the ridiculous language and behaviour of politicians. Some passages were taken almost verbatim from an ABC interview with federal treasurer Wayne Swan, a man completely out of his depth.

For the past month on the Australian television news we have had to endure endless footage of political clowns in hard hats and safety vests posing for the cameras and pretending to have a connection with the truly productive in our society. The truth is their economic policies, based on ignorance and flawed logic, will destroy capital and impoverish Australians for years to come.

This is not a partisan issue as politicians of all persuasions are complicit in meddling with the money supply and distorting the market to suit their short term electoral goals. But it could be argued that Labor is ideologically unsuited to dealing with a crisis that in fact requires a reduction in government spending, taxation and regulation so that we (business) can get on with the job of building the wealth which benefits all – including idiots in hard hats.

I have added captions to the pics.

Peter G.

Government announces spending and regulatory measures to appease a gullible electorate (aka bread and circuses).

Government 'stimulates' the consumer economy and prints money to cover the costs of servicing the huge debt they create in the process.

The money soon becomes worthless and is flushed down the dunny along with the prosperity and real wealth of the people.